Getting Past Your Past

Note: This was an internal email to our clients, but many said it helped them & encouraged us to post it up, so here it is... not the usual business growth stories, feel free to skip if you're here for business related stories but if you stay, you may find something in it for you...

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Hi Folks,

This is my most personal story(& likely the longest) to date...

I have worked with business owners from all walks of life for almost 18 years when I wrote this. Throughout those 18 years, I met many who have not dealt with their past emotional hang-ups... affecting their judgement & ability to be the most effective they can in the many roles they play today, whether as a business owner, leader, spouse, parent, child or others.

I hope by sharing one of my biggest hang-up and the lessons I learned the hard way, it will help some of you to move past your own hang-ups & be more effective in your lives.

It all started a couple of months back during a routine catch up session with a fellow coach, something he said unintentionally triggered a flood of memories... All the negative “stuff” related to a particular incident I thought I have gotten over resurfaced... my biggest hang-up.

But I am glad it happened because it made me reflect & look at things from a fresh perspective, gained over the years of working on myself and working with others. It allowed me to appreciate the lessons learned and to finally move past my biggest hang-up, permanently.

I dated this girl in college where things didn't end well, but it was what came after that shook up my life irreversibly. I was dragged in front of the church pastor by her (who told me he knew “everything I did because she told him”), I was accused of threatening her, the pastor threatened me with police report & ex-communication from the church (he went as far as saying if I were to go to another church, he was "obliged" to write to the other church to "let them know what I did here", a ridiculous threat coming from a pastor, but back then, barely a fresh graduate, I knew nothing about criminal intimidation or slander). Several days later, a church senior came to my home, insisted on coming in and then proceeded to "advise" me (in front of my mother no less) and thereafter, I got calls from other members telling me I was "uninvited" to their weddings, etc, because of "what I did".

Absolutely no one bothered to verify the facts... if they did, they would realize it was illogical & implausible given the actual timeline & situation of the made up stories. I was threatened, I was ex-communicated & I became an overnight pariah. I left the church, rented a room away from home (the church was 10 min away from my home, most members stayed nearby) & started fresh.

I didn't realize it at the time, but it was the turning point in my life for the better.

Let me explain:

 

1. I was the blunt, hold-on-t0-my-principle, speak-my-mind “black & white” person while she was the be-liked-by-everyone “PR” person. I speak my mind frankly with no sugar-coating and at times spoke in a detached/confrontational/harsh manner, so very often I rub people off the wrong way. On the other hand, she always found something nice & flattering to say to everyone she met, ever ready with little gifts. It was difficult to see then when I was in the midst of it, it’s so obvious upon reflection why others were so fast to judge me based on hearsay without verification. Heck, I probably would have believed her myself at that point in time if I was the pastor or one of the others. Two important lessons I learned here...

Lesson 1: I learned I can tell people what they need to hear i.e. the truth, but in a way that is tactful, compassionate and easier for them to acknowledge and work on, extremely important lesson for someone in my industry. 

Lesson 2: Though I ''toned down' over the years, I do not want to be a person that everyone likes but nobody knows by putting on a fake friendly façade, that is not who I am, I prefer to form genuine connections in a meaningful way, even if it costs me some business, clients or friends. 

Upon reflection, the full positive impact of the lessons were obvious many years later, where a disgruntled client tried to spread rumors only to be shot down by every client he spoke to & even a competing coach he approached told him off & said there was “no way” what he claimed can be true. It was a complete reversal from what happened before at the church... as a result of lessons above.

 

2. The relationship was negative from the beginning, where I was constantly told by my ex-girlfriend she didn't believe I was capable, able or qualified to have the ambition I had, which was to do what I am doing today. She cracked many sarcastic jokes about how I was 'not good enough' to have the goals I have, which flew past my head then, it didn't occur to me it was toxic. Once I was out of the relationship, I realized being surrounded by people who didn't believe in me or supported my goals was energy draining & de-motivating. So after moving out to a new place, I invested all my extra income in trainings and expanded my social circle, carefully avoiding toxic people. In my new circle I found mentors (senior business people) who gladly helped without expectations. 2 years after that (3 years after graduation by then) I started my first business in training and headhunting.

Lesson: Do not surround yourself with naysayers, toxic people or those who don’t believe in you or support your goals and ambitions. It would most probably have taken me longer to start over or to explore doing business if something extreme like this didn't push me to make positive changes in my life.  I am thankful now for I got a fresh start, which I didn't know I needed.

After I reflected on how this experience was in fact the turning point in my life for the better, it no longer felt like a hang-up... I took the time to drop her an email expressing how much I appreciated the happy times, the lessons, my regret at how things turned out, I took responsibility & apologized for my part in it, congratulated her on her recent successes and ended it by wishing her to live a good life.

Once I clicked 'send', symbolically, it was finally over for me, as from that point onwards I can only appreciate the positive lessons & outcomes.

 

In conclusion, these clichés are indeed true:

1. There is a positive side, a silver lining, a lesson(or lessons) to be learned from every bad experience.
2. Working through & letting go of past hang-ups allows a person to move forward; not doing so prevents a person from living life to the fullest.

 

If you know you are held back in some ways by bad past experiences in any areas of your life, here are some questions that might help you:

1. What is your hang-up (or hang-ups), which is holding you back from being the best you can be? Be completely honest with yourself.
2. What can you do about it today, in order to move past it? For example, can you write, can you have a dialog (imaginary or real dialog, both works, imaginary if the person is no longer around), what will set you free of the emotional (or mental) burden?
3. If you find it challenging to do it on your own, whose help can you seek? Can you get a coach, a counselor, a therapist or a mentor, whichever is appropriate?
4. In what ways are you a better person today because of the past experience(s)? List them out and celebrate yourself for being who you are today.
5. Express your appreciation for the experience (or the person) that has made you a better person and move on from it, TODAY!

Finally, commit to yourself that you will live a full & awesome life!

The FBW Team