Dealing with Toxic People

2020 ends in less than a week as I write this.

I don’t usually write a year end message like this, but this has been an unprecedented year… as everyone lived “concentrated lives” for a couple of months in lockdown, many spoke of struggles & realities beyond their businesses they usually avoid confronting. Some faced periods of depression, feelings of loss & helplessness… depression, by the way, is NOT a dirty word, it is what it is, a condition we can overcome and be stronger for it, there is no shame.

With that in mind…

The best detoxification you can do in 2021 is to detach yourself from toxic people in your lives, here are the 4 typical types you need to be aware of, there are more and you will also notice a toxic person usually fits more than 1 type, but these are the most common ones:

 

1. The Narcissist, they want to control you, they do it by telling you directly or indirectly…

“You are not good enough unless you do exactly what I want you to do”

… the objective is to make you feel inadequate so that they are in control.

Unfortunately this is usually someone closest to you who have probably been doing it your entire life, they usually play the victim & turn the rest of your family members, friends or social circle who don’t know any better against you.

If you can’t physically detach yourself from such a character then you have to learn to mentally & emotionally detach yourself & take back control, or else you will be living the life they want for you instead of your own life, and you risk growing old and bitter in the process.

This is the most serious & complicated one to deal with, deserving more than 2-3 paragraphs, google “dealing with narcissistic abuse” for more and seek outside help should you need to.

Remember, there is no shame, you deserve a happy life, YOUR OWN life, everyone does.

 

2. The Emotional Vampire aka Emotional Blackmailer aka the Guilt Tripper…

Similar to the narcissist, emotional blackmail and guilt tripping are their favorite tools to control, some of their favorite statements may sound familiar to you…

“I am so good to you why are you so mean to me”
“I have done so much for you, what have you done for me”
“How am I going to live/What am I going to do without…”
“Why are you so cruel…”

They are experts in making you feel so guilty, useless and irresponsible that you will end up complying and doing what they want.

They also hate to see the person they are targeting happy, usually acting up and starting incidents to disrupt you at your happiest or most important moments to remind you it is not ‘right’ for you to be happy when they are miserable, and you should do something for them to ‘make it right’ for them.

If you find yourself repeatedly manipulated into doing things against your wishes and you feel awful about yourself afterwards having done it, or you feel so guilty whenever you say no, then you have an emotional blackmailer in your life.

 

3. The childhood or school/college bully that never grew up…

You know the type, in school or college, they may be your ‘nice friend’ when no one is watching or when they want something from you. In public they continuously pick on you, they are the experts in hurling insults at you, disguised as jokes to gain approval and to look ‘cool’ in front of their ‘cool’ buddies. Anything they got you to share in private when being nice end up being used against you to gain leverage.

They may be simply envious or feel threatened by you, or they may want to prevent you from making friends or getting close to ‘their’ friends, or, they pick on you because you don’t respond so they assume you are weak because they want to feel safe & ‘powerful’. And you know they talk all kind of nonsense about you behind your back.

And that continues long into adulthood for some of these bullies… when you bump into them, whether it is reunions, gatherings or workplace, they simply enjoy it too much to stop and are usually so self absorbed that they have absolutely no sense of appropriateness, they might even do it at your common friend’s funeral where everyone is mourning their friend (I personally witnessed this once).

These are the sad “adult-childs” who never grew up. These types are much easier to identify and even easier to cut off, for they are not really part of your lives in the first place, they only occupy a space to validate themselves, not you. So cut them off from your lives & ignore them, for they are so small and worthless they are not worth responding to.

These “adult-childs” still feel like they have something to prove to others even though no one actually cares, which is what they fear the most, so leave them be in their little adult-child bubbles.

Now it might not be easy especially if you happen to have overlapping social circle where he take every opportunity to have a go at you that others perceive as friendly banter, trust me, ignore them, remove their power over you, these are losers.

 

4. The “I am right/superior because of my social status” type, where you are treated as their ‘audience’ instead of their friend…

These are usually the richer kid in school/college who believed he deserve special treatment because of his perceived superior social status, often surrounded by groupies who agree with his every word thereby amplifying his sense of entitlement. Ironically, anyone else who has a different opinion to him is ‘disrespectful’ or ‘arrogant’ for daring to disagree, whereas he is always right.

But one day in adulthood, he suddenly re-appear in your life, all respectful and friendly, because you are now perceived to be qualified enough to join his ‘exclusive’ club, or he need something from you.

Remember, your friends are your friends regardless of status.

If they treat you different when you were a poor kid and now all respectful because you have ‘made it’ or have something they need, they are not your friend, it is okay to treat them as business partners or associates for mutual benefit, nothing more, don’t be flattered just because today they praise you, if they see you struggle again, they will walk away.

 

Wrapping up a long article…

If you recognize these characters in your lives, you deserve better, you do not need to compromise to be considered ‘nice and accepted’.

Now on the other hand, if you are angry at what I wrote, you think I am talking specifically about you, in all likelihood you recognize these character types in yourself, if that is the case, then you need to make a decision, whether you choose to be better.

If you read any book on the first character type I described, the narcissist, if you speak to any professionally trained counsellors or therapists, they will almost always, every single one of them, tell you if you are at the receiving end of a narcissistic relationship, even if they are your parents or your spouse, you need to cut off the relationship with them, for narcissists are unlikely to change, the victim need to move on & detach in order to have any semblance of normal life.

Prove them wrong, be different, if you recognize the traits mentioned, be the first to be self aware enough to heal yourself and your relationships. It will take a lot of work because like the boy who cried wolf too many times, it will take a while before your loved ones are convinced this time it is for real, and not another manipulation game.

 

I wish everyone a life of full of meaningful connections, surrounded by genuine friends and family who love and accept you just the way you are.

When you are better, everything in your lives, including your businesses, will be better.

Have an awesome 2021!