One seldom talked about aspects of family businesses is how some family members feel trapped by obligations and as a result, suffocate in it. If there’s no intervention, they eventually self-destruct, bringing down the business as well as family relationships.
Here is a typical scenario in some family businesses where there are siblings with different levels of education:
- A son (or daughter), usually the eldest (or the most educated) in the family, is tasked by his parents to “look after” his younger or less educated siblings.
“We spend a lot of money educating you; you must take care of the business and your brothers & sisters. “
“Your brother/sister can’t be trusted, they lost/stole/gamble away money, you must look after the business, protect the business and help them because you are the only one we can trust.”
- He doesn’t want the responsibility but feel obligated to honor his parent’s wish.
What he said: “Yes mum, dad, I will do it because it is the right thing to do.”
What he’s actually thinking: “Noooo mum, dad, it’s not fair! I have my goals & dreams; I can’t be stuck in this business!”
- Obligation turns to frustration and resentment as he feels he’s not living his own life, he end up taking out his frustrations on his siblings and the staff.
“If not for you guys, I will not be here.”
“If not because our parents forced me to help you, I’ll be doing something I like, thanks to you, I have no life!”
- His siblings, who were not the ones who requested his help in the first place, start to feel resentful by the constant blame. But no matter hard they tried; the blame doesn’t stop because his REAL frustration is with his parents and the situation he felt trapped in.
“While we appreciate your help, we did not put you in this situation, it is a promise you made to mum & dad, we are not holding you to it, we understand. But we can’t tolerate the constant shouting and nasty remarks in the office anymore, even the staff are fed-up and are resigning!”
- As his siblings start reacting, he gets more upset & more vicious in his attacks.
“Just do what I tell you, how many times I have to repeat the same things to you losers, if only mum & dad have not made me promise to take care of you, I’ll be out of here now enjoying my life!”
- Meanwhile, their parents, not directly involved in the day to day running of the business, are not aware of the undercurrent of resentments, they perceive(from their external superficial view) the most educated son as doing his best while his younger siblings are resisting change, reinforcing their perception they made the right decision.
“Our boy is doing his best, such a filial son, but his siblings continue to resist him, I am so glad we made the right decision, looks like they are never going to grow, thank god we have one son who is educated and obedient. So sad the younger brothers don’t appreciate him, we must reprimand them more often! We feel sorry he tried so hard and the rest don’t appreciate him.”
- The other siblings are even more upset now, because they feel like they are being unfairly attacked from all sides.
The cycle continues, blame, resentment, reinforcement of negative perception, blame, resentment, reinforcement of negative perception… a vicious cycle that will NOT end well for the family and the business. Meanwhile, the business have high turnover of staff, difficulties hiring replacements and fails to deliver to customers with consistency…
If you find yourself relating to this situation, if you feel trapped or obligated to be in the business due to respecting your parents’ wishes, YOU need to do something about it.
In fact, whether you are the parent, the elder sibling, the most educated sibling or the younger siblings, YOU can be the one to take action to start the process of change.
For this story, let’s focus on what the elder sibling can do differently…
First, he has to start by acknowledging to himself he had choices, while NONE of the choices are ‘easy’, nonetheless, the FACT is, he HAD choices.
For example:
- He could have said ‘no’ to his parents.
- He could have said ‘yes’ and then set his mind to finding within the business some goals that excite him.
- He could have said ‘yes’ with a deadline, where he negotiate an exit date with his parents and be very firm about it.
- He could have worked out a caretaker role while structure and resources are put in place for his siblings to take over.
Of all the choices available to him, he chose to say ‘yes’ and then take his resentment out on his siblings. He took the easy way out and paid for it.
Let this sink in for a moment:
- Of all the choices that were available to him, he chose to say ‘yes’ to his parents and take his resentment out on his siblings.
- He chose to be a victim of his environment. In the process, his choice made him unhappy, made his siblings unhappy, made his parents unhappy and sinks the business.
- He chose the easiest option upfront and made everyone else pay for it.
- His current choice created the exact opposite outcome of what his parents wanted him in the business for, on top up of making everyone upset with each other.
He can’t blame his parents and his siblings for the choice he made. He has to take responsibility and own it.
Only if he starts with taking ownership of the choice he made, can he start to look for a better way.
For example,
- If he acknowledge it was his choice and knowing the other choices available, he decided he want to continue honoring his parents’ wishes, he can defuse the resentments and negative perceptions by holding a family meeting to start the process of healing by acknowledging to his siblings and his parents the way he really felt in the past about the burden he took on.
- If he acknowledge it was his choice and knowing the other choices available, he decided he wish to unload the burden, he should hold a heart-to-heart with his parents, work out an exit plan, be firm about it and deal with the outcome.
In life, to choose to do nothing and continue to self-destruct is an option only victims will choose.
In fact, taking the easy way out by agreeing to something then taking out the frustrations on someone else is the root cause of most broken relationships in business and in life. Don’t blame your parents, your spouse, your siblings or your business partners for the choices you made. Own it. Deal with it.
You are where you are today because of the choices you made. NO ONE ELSE is responsible for that.
Winners, when faced with difficult choices, have the courage to make the necessary one no matter how difficult it appeared to be.
Winners, when the outcomes of a choice is not as anticipated, deal with it by looking at his options and take the next best step even if it is again the most difficult one available… because winners realize they win because they are better at making the difficult but necessary choices, every single time.
So if you feel trapped, it is time to be bluntly honest with yourself about the choices you have made in your business and your life that lead you to this point… and start making changes. Now.
Let me end with an analogy:
A patient is told by his doctor, you have a choice, take painkillers for the rest of your life for temporary relief whenever you feel painful, or go for surgery, it might be painful but it will fix the problem once and for all.
If you are the patient, do you choose painkillers or do you go for surgery?
Only you can decide whether you want temporary relief or long term cure.
If you require a neutral party to intervene for you and you are fully prepared to participate fully in the process, register NOW for our FREE Business Optimization Clinic, valued at RM750. We guarantee you will get at least 1-2 ideas you can implement immediately, even if you do not engage our services. Have a profitable week ahead!
The Familybiz Works Team
ps: Only 10 sessions every month for qualified business owners. Claim yours today!